Pillow talk and the power of 'no':
Demisexual cuddler provides safe space for platonic touch
Coleman says people often misunderstand him and think demisexuality simply means he is just not interested in one-night stands. He said demisexuality differs from that because anybody can choose not to have one-night stands, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t sexually attracted to other people.
“It often takes a lot of us a long time to feel attraction,” explains Coleman, “For some of us, it may take a few months or possibly a few years to experience attraction toward a person.”
The demisexual community has faced a lack of recognition and acknowledgment in the mainstream media, which can make it hard for demisexuals to understand what they are feeling and find others like them.
“If you haven’t heard the term, you’re probably not out Googling groups for it and joining meetups about it,” explains Coleman.
Coleman aims to change that lack of awareness with the Facebook community he started for Chicago demisexuals to make friends, share a laugh or ask for advice. It serves as a safe space for demisexuals to meet, something that was lacking when Coleman realized his demisexuality.
Another community Coleman discovered was that of cuddling. Cuddle parties are a way for people who want physical intimacy to get that without any sexual ties.
Attending a Cuddle Party fundraising event, Coleman was exposed to a world where vulnerability and communication went hand in hand. The Cuddle Party proved to him that cuddling wasn’t just a way of getting one’s touch needs met, but it was also a way of relaxing and overcoming social anxiety.
At the cuddle parties he attended, Coleman recognized he wasn’t comfortable with certain cuddle positions others used on him, causing him to distance himself from the cuddle community for a while. Once he returned to the cuddle community, he realized he needed to be firm with his boundaries in order to have his touch needs met fully, without any reluctance.
Coleman used his background majoring in gender studies in college and his experiences with his own identities and past in the cuddle community to found Touchpoints: Cuddles and Community, a one-on-one cuddle session for which he charges $80 an hour.
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​At his cuddle sessions, Coleman emphasizes the importance of clients finding their “no” and standing confident in their limits. Some clients may be comfortable with hugging and spooning, but for clients not as comfortable, hand holding is typically the first step toward gaining confidence in touch. Once someone is comfortable with cuddling and touch, they’re able to become more confident in themselves, he said.
“Cuddling is often a term that’s associated with oxytocin, which is often called the ‘love hormone,’” Coleman mentions. “Oxytocin has been proven to reduce depression and social anxiety, to improve mood and increase feelings of connection and improve body image.”
Coleman has noticed that some of his clients have become not only confident in asking for what they want out of platonic and romantic relationships, but have used their newfound confidence in the workplace, as well. Although the cuddling sessions have been proved to be therapeutic, Coleman makes it clear that he is not a therapist by any means. He just acts as a support system for his clients, similarly to how he hopes to be a support for the members of the demisexual community.
Coleman also volunteers at Queer Spa, a monthly, ticketed event hosted by Brandi Adir. Queer Spa is the takeover of an existing salon that allows individuals who identify as queer to use the spa and sauna spaces in a safe environment. The event also allows queer business owners and providers—such as massage therapists and reiki practitioners—the opportunity to showcase their business to their targeted audience in a unique way. At events like these, Coleman is able to reach new clients.
Adir first met Coleman after he was recommended to her as a business partner. When Coleman first arrived to the clothing-optional event, he stripped down, to invite others to be vulnerable and open in a loving, safe space.
Story by Diamond Brown
Edited by Ali Muñoz
Shawn Coleman
Orientation: Demisexual
Pronouns: He/him
“I knew immediately that I wanted that energy at every Queer Spa,” Adir remembers.
Seven months later, the two worked together to invite other queer Chicagoans to celebrate and pamper themselves in the safe space.
“Shawn brings powerful healing and tenderness to the queer community,” Adir says. “He brings a super necessary softness to this movement.”
Coleman’s work stresses inclusivity, breaking down the stereotypes that have quickly been built up around the professional cuddling industry.
“I think that’s one of the things that’s important when it comes to touch,” Coleman says, “There’s even more of a fear or concern around whether or not it’s OK to pursue this, coming as a person from a particular gender or a person of a particular sexual orientation because there’s still so much homophobia in our society.”
Moving from Baton Rouge to Iowa and then to Chicago, he’s recognized how accepting or unaccepting people can be when it comes to individuals who are of color or are queer. Living in Chicago, he doesn’t feel as if he has to live in fear constantly but expresses that his heart goes out to those individuals living in fear currently.
“We all have more in common than we realize,” he adds. “And when we’re able to find those commonalities, it makes it easier for us to be compassionate.”
In the quiet West Edgewater neighborhood, a man with a bright smile and bubbly personality graciously welcomes visitors into Touchpoints: Cuddles and Community, his cuddle session space, with warm embraces. He encourages them to relax wherever they feel most comfortable, although his favorite place is his cuddling futon. His visitors are strangers, yet he welcomes them with the familiarity of a longtime friend.
The professional cuddler, Shawn Coleman, uses a combination of his queerness and vibrant personality to connect people within Chicago’s queer community and give back through his cuddling.
Coleman, 34, identifies as pansexual and transgender, as well as genderqueer. About a year and a half ago, Coleman came across the term demisexuality, a form of asexuality, for the first time. Demisexuals “need a strong, personal connection with an individual before [they] experience sexual attraction,” as Coleman puts it. The term is constantly under revision in the demisexual community, leaving plenty of room for misinterpretation for outsiders.
Shawn Coleman founded Touchpoints: Cuddles and Community to help people become more comfortable with platonic touch in a safe space.
Coleman's favorite spot for cuddling is his futon.