ZAYNAB SHAHAR

Boyfriends, girlfriends and polyamory:

Zaynab Shahar defies dating standards in queer community

Story by Ashli Teil

Orientation: Polyamorous

Pronouns: She/her

Edited by Jacob Wittich

When Zaynab Shahar started a relationship with her partner Ajha on OkCupid this summer, she developed a strong emotional connection – something she was not used to doing with other partners. Connections don't always last, though, and the pair split up. However, Shahar won't be single. She has another partner, Danie, who she met on the internet and refers to as her “play partner.” Their relationship is primarily BDSM and kink-centered, but the two also have a solid friendship.

Shahar, a doctoral candidate at Chicago Theological Seminary, is polyamorous and typically dates two to three people at a time. But juggling that many relationships isn't always easy. As a queer, black and Muslim woman, Shahar deals with expressing a lifestyle in circles where it's not always understood or accepted. This is why she dedicates her life to creating safe spaces to break down these stigmas.

At 16, Shahar began to question whether monogamy worked for her in her relationship with her first girlfriend. The couple were monogamous, but Shahar was attracted to another girl in their circle. Shahar didn't think it would matter, but her girlfriend was hurt.

“I still loved her, but that didn't preclude my ability to be attracted to or love other people,” Shahar says. “We broke up, and a couple of monogamous relationships later, I realized maybe this is just not for me. I'm not doing something right here, because I cannot envision myself with one person for the rest of my life.”

Shahar defines polyamory as being open and honest within relationships about her desires and attractions. She practices solo-polyamory, as opposed to hierarchical polyamory where a person prioritizes one partner over others. Solo-poly people do not have primary partners; each relationship is valued equally.

According to Shahar, polyamory involves multiple relationships, as well as an open channel of communication between partners not found in monogamy. By her definition, there's a distinct difference between being polyamorous with multiple partners and being monogamous while dishonestly pursuing other people.

“I feel like poly people do a different kind of deconstruction of relationship norms than monogamous people do,” she says. “Whereas, in monogamy jealousy might be considered a

normal thing, with polyamory, that's just not how it works. You acknowledge the jealousy exists, but it's not supposed to stop you from having other relationships. It's just something you process through.”

Shahar feels comfortable sharing details of her polyamory online, where her family and some peers are not aware of her internet presence and likely will never find out. But overall, she knows that not everyone understands it. In her path to becoming an academic, being polyamorous is not something that she has been particularly open about.

“You don't really want to show up to faculty get-togethers with a different person each and every time,” she says. “People are just like, 'Is she serial-dating?' But no, I'm dating all of the people that you've met.”

Within her family, only Shahar's mother and cousin know. Her cousin, who is a lesbian, believes Shahar's disinterest in monogamy is simply a refusal to settle down. Shahar says this attitude is common among queer communities. She says some queer people she knows call polyamory “weird,” which she finds ironic because some of those people were in monogamous relationships but cheated on their partners.

“One of the things I constantly hear when I tell people I'm polyamorous is that it just seems like a lot of work,” she says. “But isn't monogamy work in and of itself? The idea that being monogamous seems easy and is supposed to click, and if it doesn't then there's something wrong with your relationship, is problematic.”

Shahar says misconceptions can arise in any setting. For example, within a Muslim context, a man having multiple wives is not inherently wrong, but an openly queer and polyamorous woman would be seen as a problem.

“Why do those rules exist,” she asks, “and who do they benefit? Because me being monogamous and married to a guy who I have no interest in just to appease some notion of doctrinal conservatism doesn't really seem all that religious or holy. For me personally, I don't see Islam as squarely condemning polyamory or queerness.”

But Shahar says it might be easier for her to interpret Islam in this way because she converted into the religion. She was not raised to be religious, and her parents, who she says are fairly agnostic philosophers, taught her to ask questions and be critical if she did decide to follow a religion herself.

Shahar started embracing polyamory as an undergraduate student at Hampshire College, where she was surrounded by other like-minded people are read books like “The Ethical Slut,” which she calls a “Polyamory 101.” However, the books didn't offer a perspective of polyamory that would apply to diverse groups of people, because, Shahar says, they were not geared toward marginalized groups. And though she describes Hampshire as “one of those weird liberal arts colleges where everybody is queer and polyamorous or non-monogamous,” she found that the school's black queer community did not generally embrace polyamory.

To learn more, she joined communities on Facebook and FetLife, a BDSM and fetish site that describes itself as “like Facebook, but run by kinksters.” Navigating through these communities gave her the opportunity to interact with other like-minded people.

Shahar now runs the QueerMuslims Tumblr blog, where she curates what she calls critical perspectives on queer Muslim identities. She took over ownership of the blog when the original curator decided to leave the site. The blog features academic writing, articles and videos that provoke conversation. Shahar aims to differentiate her blog from other queer Muslim blogs by focusing on critical pieces instead of personal narratives and stories of inspiration.

Shahar's blog aided the formation of Third Coast Queer Muslims of Chicago and the Upper Midwest, a social group out together by Shahar and a friend. The two met in Boston, where Shahar began her graduate studies, in a group called Queer Muslims of Boston. The group occasionally met to eat, talk and pray together in a safe space. Shahar and her friend moved to Chicago and realized they missed the group. Through social media outreach, they formed a similar group, Third Coast.

Over the last two years, Third Coast's membership has multiplied. The group does not have one established leader. Rather, Shahar and her friend set up meeting, recruit new members, and represent the group at conferences, organizations, and interfaith engagements. The other members can organize other meetings and events as they please.

Actor and activist Fawzia Mirza has made lasting connections through Third Coast. Her social circles exposed her to the group, which she says is a part of a small community of queer Muslims in Chicago. Though her acting work requires her to travel, she manages to keep in touch with other members. Recently, Mirza and Shahar were part of a group discussion at the Center on Halsted about topics including their faith and the intersection of their identities as queer Muslims.

“It's important to have a safe space and forum for our community, and to have someone smart and active like Zaynab leading that organization,” says Mirza.

“I think the impact has been significant,” Shahar says, particularly about her online presence. “It's been the way that people have contacted me personally, whether it's for advice, for research, or for something else. It's kind of how I've gotten the reputation of the queer Muslim lady on the internet.”

Despite the work Shahar does for other queer Muslims, she doesn't see herself as a role model.

“I kind of think of myself as the anti-role model with some redeeming qualities, but like someone you don't want to emulate long-term,” she laughs, describing herself as a miserably blunt woman who swears and occasionally offends others with her sarcasm.

But in all that she does, Shahar's focus is to make a difference both within and outside of queer communities, making it a point to provide perspectives beyond the idea that “it gets better.”

Zaynab Shahar, a candidate at Chicago Theological Seminary, challenges mainstream norms while practicing polyamory. | Courtesy Zaynab Shahar

Shahar converted to Islam in 2012 after studying abroad at University of Haifa in Israel. | Courtesy Zaynab Shahar